I’m gonna give what you need!

Doesn’t it make you curious why I chose this song?  The explanation is at the bottom…but will you choose to read the whole thing?

It’s Saturday afternoon, early afternoon, and I just woke up a couple hours ago.  I’ve been laying in bed, tossing and turning, got up and smoked a cigarette, came back to bed, checked Facebook and Twitter, and now it’s onto this.  My blog.  This is what I do.  This is my only thing I do right now in my life that I’ve made myself be accountable for, even though I’m sure if I didn’t post it some Sunday, nobody would miss it, considering I really don’t have any followers that I’m aware of, other than my faithful and loving wife.

It’s more than that though, it’s like I said in the beginning, with my first blog, the fact that God took my hand and held me so tight that I just can’t let Him, myself, or even that one person that might be reading this down, that they might find that one piece of inspiration from this blog that may help them that day, just because of my testimony or my notes from church or just some random crap that I’m venting about from my week.

Yet, like last week, I’m still struggling.  I’m not regretting my move here to Tempe from Detroit.  I love it here.  I don’t regret taking that leap of faith.  It’s just that now that I’m here, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.  It’s like I can’t hear anything, I can’t see anything, not like I used to…I can’t find what it is I’m looking for or whatever it is that may be looking for me can’t find me.  I’ve never had to search for songs before, they would just come to me, hit me…yet, the last two weeks, it’s been at the last minute that it’s hit me or I’ve had to search deep.  And as far as the inspiration for messages, well, it’s like I have to listen twice as hard to hear it.

So this week has been kind of hard for me, lacking in inspiration, feeling a little lost here, nothing to do, nowhere to go, without a purpose.  We still have no furniture and, honestly, I have no idea when we’re going to get it, as I keep getting the run-around from the moving company.  It’s not like I’ve been calling them every day, just once a week, but so far, it seems like all lies.  I have to completely leave it in God’s hands now, praying that our property gets to us safely and undamaged, that our drivers have a safe journey to us, and that from here on out, He will make it so that we are treated fairly and with respect, as we’ve been treating them.  I thank Him in advance for this.  Amen.

The highlight of my week;  Major highlight!!  I met Bam Margera!  If you don’t know who Bam Margera is, he is most famous for being in the Jackass movies and Viva La Bam.  Yes, it’s true, in those movies he’s known for doing crazy-wild stunts, doing things that are totally inconsiderate to people’s property, doing whatever the hell he wants…basically.  But if you really watch, beyond the stunts, beyond the crap that he would pull, he always took care of the people around him.  So he might make April and Phil’s (his mom and dad) vacation a living hell for the first couple nights, but he’d follow it up with an amazing dream come true.  Yes, he let Vito’s car plummet down from a tree top (don’t ask why it was up there in the first place, it’s just easier that way), you don’t think he replaced the car?  The point is, he’s a good man, a good friend.  Yes, he does whatever the hell he wants, but he takes care of the people he loves whilst doing it.

So when I found he was going to be in Scottsdale at American Junkie (a bar) on Wednesday, I couldn’t pass up going.  My wife and I got there early just so we wouldn’t have to wait in line.  Chatted it up with the bartenders and a couple other patrons for a while as we were all waiting for Bam.  Then, around 11 o’clock, or so, he arrived.  My wife and I went up to the VIP area and saw the manager who we had opened the door up for earlier that night, as he was on his way out to go pick Bam up from the airport.  He let us go in for a few minutes to hang with him.  I was pretty excited but I didn’t get crazy “uber” fan like.  Actually, I was pretty shy, dangit.  I was just waiting my turn to meet him and take a picture with him, that’s what I thought I was supposed to do, but these other girls kept cutting in, so I didn’t get much time.  I had wanted to make an impression, but I guess when you’re surrounded by a bunch of young blonde girls wearing next to nothing, hanging all over you, it’s hard to pay attention to the average butch chick.  I shook his hand and gave him a hug, got my picture taken with him, and then my wife pointed out my tattoo on my arm to him.  He looked and then had his manager look, and then all of a sudden there was a camera right there and this guy was taking a picture of my tattoo…well, that was cool.  I don’t know what will come of that.  I thanked him for the picture and then words came out of my mouth that I instantly regretted, especially since I was just talking about it earlier that night.

I told him the tattoo was my “Ode To Solitude In Chains.”  And then I told him “I know where you are, man…been there…well, sorta.”  Ugh…did I really just say that?  I was talking with the bartenders earlier that night about how hard it must be for him to be back here in Scottsdale considering this is where he was when he found out that his best friend, Ryan Dunn, died.  I was also talking about how much I hate it when people say “I know how you feel,” because nobody can ever know how someone truly feels…although they might have an idea, but it’s an insult to say, even still. 

I don’t know Bam other than what I know from T.V. and internet, he doesn’t know me.  He wouldn’t know that two years ago, I lost my only and best friend of thirteen years.  He wouldn’t know that my girlfriend and I were in our hallway doing CPR on my only friend, my best friend, as our 14 year old daughter watched, because he was trying to sober up from alcohol and he died while sitting on the toilet…we had to pull him out of our tiny bathroom and halfway out into the hallway just to start CPR.  He wouldn’t know that we had brought him back only for the paramedics to have to start CPR again.  He wouldn’t know that my best friend, a man that I had done everything with, was everything with, partially defined by, never made it out of my house alive, and he only had come over because he wanted to start sobering up, but wouldn’t go to the hospital.  I was his friend, I wouldn’t turn him away.  Bam wouldn’t know that I really do know where he’s at…sorta.

The “sorta” comes in where the public vs private part comes into play.  Bam had to deal with everything in the public eye and deal with defending Dunn and what happened to him that night.  He had to mourn and grieve while millions of people were watching, and still has to, and that sucks for him.  I had to mourn and grieve with people blaming me for my best friends death, and only a handful to help me through it.

It’s the “through it” part that matters though, and it’s the hardest part to see.  I didn’t think there would ever be a “through it,” in fact, I didn’t even want there to be for a long time.  Somehow, I wish I could help him, Bam, I mean.  Or just even be there, be around, just be me…maybe being me could be helpful. 

But, alas, this week, “me” is struggling.  It’s like my head just can’t get in check or something and I’m not exactly sure why.  Hopefully it’ll work itself out.  I’ve been trying the “standing still” method of trying to do something about this problem and so far, well, I don’t know if it’s been helping, we’ll see.  This is what’s in the works…

My mother-in-law was able to get her apartment and will be moving in on her own sometime in the beginning of September.  It’s a good thing and a blessing, considering that when she was coming out here, she wasn’t even sure if she was going to stay.  She was going to stay here with her nephew and his wife for a while to see what she wanted to do, then maybe go back to the southeast coast to stay with some of her other family, whom she felt needed her.  She hadn’t even given Arizona a try yet when she was talking about these plans.  Within two weeks of being here, she found an apartment complex that she really likes and decided to apply there, we all prayed on it, thanked God for it in advance, and found out yesterday that she was approved for the apartment.

Also, yesterday, our daughter decided to join a gay/straight alliance club at school.  We thought it was a pretty cool thing to do, but then as I thought about it a little further, I thought that maybe I could join it as well.  Yep…I could join a high school club!  Well, at least maybe I could facilitate it.  She said she wouldn’t mind, and since I’m so used to being around teenagers already and seem to be able to interact with them so well, I might be a valuable resource to the club and to the kids.  So on Monday I’m going to head up to the school and check into that…it may just be one of the “things” I’m looking for that I’m supposed to be doing…who knows!

 If you ever have to move and you can U-Haul it, I highly recommend it, be in charge of your own stuff, it’ll cost just about the same, maybe a bit more, but it’s worth the peace of mind of knowing that your stuff is with you the whole time and when you get to your destination.  Furthermore, if you need help loading and unloading, Two Men & A Truck offers a service to help you just load and/or unload a truck of your own if that is what’s keeping you from doing it yourself.  Afraid of towing a vehicle?  Perhaps you could find a friend who is more comfortable with towing whom you could find cheap one way air fare for to get him/her back home.  Moving companies suck…it’s a scary position to be in until you get your stuff.  Please hold for further comments regarding our stuff…but please keep us and our stuff in your prayers until we know that it is all accounted for and safe.

But for now, I’ll give my mind a rest…meditate…try to open up my mind so that whatever it is that I need, my mind needs…I may hear…God may hear…and He may answer.

I just got back from church and the Senior pastor is back from his vacation.  He is the one that first inspired the blog, the one that “took my faith away,” but, gratefully, helped to open me up to find it again.

This morning, before church, I was in tears.  Frustrated in how lost I felt and out of control my head I felt, yet, didn’t know why.  I really still don’t know why, other than why I may have explained before.  Today’s message…It’s Your Race Now!

Psalms 145:4 – One generation will commend your works to another and they will tell of your mighty acts.

So basically, here I am, I’ve arrived at the venue to race and I’m waiting for my event start, although, my problem is, I don’t know which event it is that I’m supposed to be taking part in…but I’m here for it.  I got on the bus, and I’m ready!  I’m waiting, I’m watching, I’m listening, I’ve got my energy on reserve so when I’m called to the line, I’m ready to kick and run with all that I have, for my life, for my faith, for God.

  Hebrews 12: 1 -4 –  Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance, the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.  For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning it’s shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I’m back at the church where I truly believe I am called to be, although I know, not yet, the reason I am called to be there.  I’m in a town, so very far away from my home, that I feel I am called to be in, although I know not yet why I am called to be in.  But here I am, and I so badly want to be of service to someone, anyone, everyone.  I can feel it in my heart.  I even felt called to Bam Margera, for crying out loud, to try to help him through his pain, just because I’ve been there before.  I’ve never felt like I can do anything before, but I feel like I can do anything now…and I want to, I want to do everything for everyone.

The pastor said, today, that you can’t tell the story of God without telling the story of you.  I’ve told snippets of the story of me over the last month and a half, and a deep portion of the story of me in this specific blog right now.  I’ll tell my story to anyone who will listen if it will help them.  Often times, telling your own story helps you in your own times of struggle as well.  But more importantly, as our pastor said, our stories are all so unique, because from the jump, God created a path for us, and a reason for that path.  It’s our path to race, our story to tell, if we choose to run it, even it’s uphill the whole way.  There may not be as many heroes like in the days of bible, but if you keep your eyes peeled and your ears open, you’ll be open to just as many blessings and favors as they did.  God is alive and well and still willing to give all that He can to those who give all that they can in faith.

So what’s the story behind the song I chose?  Ha, well, first of all, I chose it for Bam.  It was the theme song for his show Viva La Bam.  Can it be a song of faith?  Sure it can!  God can give you what you need!  He can even “make your ears bleed” with goodness and glory of His word that you can pass along, or even pick apart and study, or like me, find in random everyday songs and find His message.  Through Him you can find joy and happiness in the most astonishing ways that you would have never thought of, an amazing show, just for you…because God knows that’s how he needs to get through to you.  You…me…we are His source for His works on this earth.  So, because of how He made us, and the path that He created for us, we make it work…we may be considered a bit rebellious compared to some of our other  Christian brothers and sisters, but that does not diminish our faith, or make it less than anyone else, it just means that we express it differently, and it may be that style that gets across to someone exactly how they need to receive it.  God is King of everything and therefore knows best, and if rock ‘n’ roll is the way that he chose for me to receive Him best, then rock on! 

Lord, I thank you for brightening and blessing my day, for allowing me to hear your message and receive it with an open heart and with such deep attachment to it.  Thank you for each and every blessing you give us, Lord.  Please wrap your loving arms around us and keep us safe by your heart, be with those who need you, even if they are not aware, or do not accept that they need you, or even know you, Lord.  With all my faith and love, and in your most holy and precious name, I pray.  Amen!

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