I’m back! It’s been a while, I know…
It’s been a tough last month or so and, honestly, while not having lost much Faith, I did lose all motivation in writing my own blog, which I claimed to be so committed to. I’ll spare you the tiny details, perhaps referencing a few things, and I’ll do my best to not be to long winded. After all, you’re not here to read my auto-biography, you’re reading this to see what’s going on with my relationship with The Lord. But if you read no further, then you should at least press play on this video, which was specifically chosen over the original video to the song “Perfect” by Pink. Not only because of the original videos content and my discomfort with it with regards to this blog, but because…well…it just fits.
So, in the last thirty days I’ve had a few obstacles come up and try to knock me on my rear end. From my daughter testing my sense of trust and enthusiasm in her life, to being told I’m not allowed to be baptized, to a vacation that I really, unfortunately, would have rather not have taken. Sorry for how that must feel to the folks involved on the other end of that vacation, but it’s not like it would have been unexpected.
Due to all of the above, and because of the trust and/or closeness that already existed within the relationships of those who were part of those obstacles, my faith in humanity, in the learned man, and in family was severely shaken. And while my anger overtook me and my desire for vengeance was forefront on my mind for a while, eventually, the light found it’s way back into the darkness.
After the waves finally stopped pounding me and I was able to crawl to a place of safety, cough up the blood and sand, breathe long enough to think of something more than the circumstances surrounding me…I was able to focus more on the power within me, The Holy Spirit, which I grasped onto even tighter and begged to guide me.
I was led to my Pastor…to discuss all the shenanigans that took place surrounding the “baptism scandal,” as I will call it. The long and short of that one, and I feel I owe you the details on this one, is that the Associate Pastor called me in to discuss my baptism that I had signed up for on Palm Sunday. I had spoken to this specific pastor a few times before about getting baptized and was given his card and told to get in touch with him so we could talk about it. No, I never got around to calling, but I lost his card the first time, got extremely busy after the second time I retrieved his card, and then the Palm Sunday baptism was going to be a mass baptism. Anyway, I go in for the meeting, another member of the church is involved in the meeting, I’m asked for “my story,” and then am told that, while I’m still loved, I can’t be baptized because I’m a lesbian. Did any of you know that? If not, I’m sorry that you have been misled, because I did not intend that at all. I’m just writing about my life and my Faith here, as I see it through my eyes and heart, and this is how it comes out, first person.
So, naturally, my feelings are hurt and my Faith is tumbling down the mountain, after having been told that the only way I’d be able to be baptized, essentially be worthy enough, is to leave my wife, my family, go straight and lie about who I am, or it may take my wife dying before I will see the light. This was soooooo not what I was expecting from this meeting, nor from my church. I understand the sin, but the pastor’s approach and representation of the sin was undeniably wrong and lacking compassion. By the end of the meeting, I still proudly proclaimed my Faith that my God is a loving, compassionate, and a just God, who knows our minds and our hearts and who will judge us accordingly.
Skip over a daughter who pulls out a typical teenager move that tests the sense of trust and me not talking to her for a few days, skip over my mother-in-law being gone back East, tending to her dying sister, then having to attend not one, but two funerals during that visit, meanwhile we’re worried about the stress on her. Skip past our family vacation where the good things that came out of it are the fact that the opposition from the other parts of the family brought our core unit closer together, time with my nieces and nephews, some time with my mom, seeing my bro from the D, my dad’s pride in me for having stood up so well for myself against the rest of my family, and finding out why I stand up so strong and so proud…when on the first day of our vacation, my wife, daughter, parents and I were all sitting together outside, during which time my dad was telling a story about work where he was supposedly getting in trouble for something, yet he proudly declared, with a slap on his knee even, “hell no I’m not in trouble…I’m right!”
Well, there it is. I’m right. We’re all right…and we’re going to proudly stand our ground until we’re blue in proclaiming it, especially in something that we are passionate about, be it our dignity, our children, and most especially, our Faith. But, for we, who truly seek righteousness, we will always be right, because the truth, and the Truth, is written on our hearts that way. The Bible, the world, and all the circumstances within it, including its people, are all up for interpretation…by man. Trust your hearts, my brothers and sisters, for it’s often the most truthful with you. When you’re reading the Bible, you’re reading it how God has intended you, as the person you are, to understand it. The next man may offer guidance and another view, but trust your heart, for God made it and blessed it for you. The same goes with your view of the world and its people.
We’re all God’s people, He loves us, cares for us, wants the best for us, and wants us to do the best for Him. I get that, and I try, we all try, and as my lead Pastor said the other day, we all blow it from time to time. The best we can do is try again, all for the glory of God!
So after having had a special meeting with our lead Pastor about the baptism scandal and about how the associate Pastor handled the situation, I decided that I would go back to church yesterday. I’m glad I did. Not only were my wife and daughter not going because of me, but my mother-in-law and our friend weren’t going either. But we walked back in and saw our church family again, we were received well, and received first by our Pastor, who had said at the meeting that something good would come of it. Something surely did, it was an amazing sermon, quite inspired, seemingly, of our meeting. Not about how homosexuality, but of the church being hypocritical and how he didn’t want his church to being counted among the number of Christians that were thought of as being such. Fairly interesting, I thought.
Well, I’ve rambled on enough. I honestly didn’t know where to go with this today. I’m still struggling with my motivation, and I don’t know why. Something I have to pray about, I guess. God bless you all…and love it forward!
****THE LINK TO THIS VIDEO IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE. SORRY TO SAY I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT SONG IT EVEN WAS AND HAVE NO REFERENCE TO IT****