“Hell no I’m not in trouble…I’m right!”

I’m back!  It’s been a while, I know…

It’s been a tough last month or so and, honestly, while not having lost much Faith, I did lose all motivation in writing my own blog, which I claimed to be so committed to.  I’ll spare you the tiny details, perhaps referencing a few things, and I’ll do my best to not be to long winded.  After all, you’re not here to read my auto-biography, you’re reading this to see what’s going on with my relationship with The Lord.  But if you read no further, then you should at least press play on this video, which was specifically chosen over the original video to the song “Perfect” by Pink.  Not only because of the original videos content and my discomfort with it with regards to this blog, but because…well…it just fits.

So, in the last thirty days I’ve had a few obstacles come up and try to knock me on my rear end.  From my daughter testing my sense of trust and enthusiasm in her life, to being told I’m not allowed to be baptized, to a vacation that I really, unfortunately, would have rather not have taken.  Sorry for how that must feel to the folks involved on the other end of that vacation, but it’s not like it would have been unexpected.

Due to all of the above, and because of the trust and/or closeness that already existed within the relationships of those who were part of those obstacles, my faith in humanity, in the learned man, and in family was severely shaken.  And while my anger overtook me and my desire for vengeance was forefront on my mind for a while, eventually, the light found it’s way back into the darkness.

After the waves finally stopped pounding me and I was able to crawl to a place of safety, cough up the blood and sand, breathe long enough to think of something more than the circumstances surrounding me…I was able to focus more on the power within me, The Holy Spirit, which I grasped onto even tighter and begged to guide me.

I was led to my Pastor…to discuss all the shenanigans that took place surrounding the “baptism scandal,” as I will call it.  The long and short of that one, and I feel I owe you the details on this one, is that the Associate Pastor called me in to discuss my baptism that I had signed up for on Palm Sunday.  I had spoken to this specific pastor a few times before about getting baptized and was given his card and told to get in touch with him so we could talk about it.  No, I never got around to calling, but I lost his card the first time, got extremely busy after the second time I retrieved his card, and then the Palm Sunday baptism was going to be a mass baptism.  Anyway, I go in for the meeting, another member of the church is involved in the meeting, I’m asked for “my story,” and then am told that, while I’m still loved, I can’t be baptized because I’m a lesbian.  Did any of you know that?  If not, I’m sorry that you have been misled, because I did not intend that at all.  I’m just writing about my life and my Faith here, as I see it through my eyes and heart, and this is how it comes out, first person.

So, naturally, my feelings are hurt and my Faith is tumbling down the mountain, after having been told that the only way I’d be able to be baptized, essentially be worthy enough, is to leave my wife, my family, go straight and lie about who I am, or it may take my wife dying before I will see the light.  This was soooooo not what I was expecting from this meeting, nor from my church.  I understand the sin, but the pastor’s approach and representation of the sin was undeniably wrong and lacking compassion.  By the end of the meeting, I still proudly proclaimed my Faith that my God is a loving, compassionate, and a just God, who knows our minds and our hearts and who will judge us accordingly.

Skip over a daughter who pulls out a typical teenager move that tests the sense of trust and me not talking to her for a few days, skip over my mother-in-law being gone back East, tending to her dying sister, then having to attend not one, but two funerals during that visit, meanwhile we’re worried about the stress on her.  Skip past our family vacation where the good things that came out of it are the fact that the opposition from the other parts of the family brought our core unit closer together, time with my nieces and nephews, some time with my mom, seeing my bro from the D, my dad’s pride in me for having stood up so well for myself against the rest of my family, and finding out why I stand up so strong and so proud…when on the first day of our vacation, my wife, daughter, parents and I were all sitting together outside, during which time my dad was telling a story about work where he was supposedly getting in trouble for something, yet he proudly declared, with a slap on his knee even, “hell no I’m not in trouble…I’m right!”

Well, there it is.  I’m right.  We’re all right…and we’re going to proudly stand our ground until we’re blue in proclaiming it, especially in something that we are passionate about, be it our dignity, our children, and most especially, our Faith.  But, for we, who truly seek righteousness, we will always be right, because the truth, and the Truth, is written on our hearts that way.  The Bible, the world, and all the circumstances within it, including its people, are all up for interpretation…by man.  Trust your hearts, my brothers and sisters, for it’s often the most truthful with you.  When you’re reading the Bible, you’re reading it how God has intended you, as the person you are, to understand it.  The next man may offer guidance and another view, but trust your heart, for God made it and blessed it for you.  The same goes with your view of the world and its people.

We’re all God’s people, He loves us, cares for us, wants the best for us, and wants us to do the best for Him.  I get that, and I try, we all try, and as my lead Pastor said the other day, we all blow it from time to time.  The best we can do is try again, all for the glory of God!

So after having had a special meeting with our lead Pastor about the baptism scandal and about how the associate Pastor handled the situation, I decided that I would go back to church yesterday.  I’m glad I did.  Not only were my wife and daughter not going because of me, but my mother-in-law and our friend weren’t going either.  But we walked back in and saw our church family again, we were received well, and received first by our Pastor, who had said at the meeting that something good would come of it.  Something surely did, it was an amazing sermon, quite inspired, seemingly, of our meeting.  Not about how homosexuality, but of the church being hypocritical and how he didn’t want his church to being counted among the number of Christians that were thought of as being such.  Fairly interesting, I thought.

Well, I’ve rambled on enough.  I honestly didn’t know where to go with this today.  I’m still struggling with my motivation, and I don’t know why.  Something I have to pray about, I guess.  God bless you all…and love it forward!


The End Is Near!

In the movies, there would be someone cast to play the homeless looking crazy person holding a sign proclaiming “The End Is Near.”  Why do they have to be homeless and crazy looking to be feeling like the end is near and be the one’s with the guts enough to proclaim it?  Can not I, a well groomed, “sane enough” person with a home feel the same way and believe and proclaim the same thing and have it not get the same effect?  Who is the world going to believe when someone tries desperately to tell them that the end is near, when they’ve neglected to listen to all the warnings already placed before them, even when one of those people was Jesus himself?

Jesus has said that when the hearts of the world become cold, and when mothers and fathers are turning against sons and daughters, when neighbors are turning against neighbors, and when we have displeased Him enough, when we’ve turned blind eyes and hearts to the world around us and the well of compassion has run dry here on Earth, He will put an end to the war…claim all whom is His, whom have faithfully taken Him into their hearts and followed Him toward the Kingdom of Heaven, leaving the rest for the devil, for they have the less righteous path.

Yet still, with everything that has been going on in this world, we do not yield and think, and while some do think, they do not act.  Socially, this world has become like hell on Earth, forcing people to act in desperation, leading to sins of unbelievable magnitude, even over small things.  The baby won’t stop crying?  Mothers are putting duct tape over their mouths or stuffing them is boxes, kicking them until they are quiet, yet they have not quieted because of the kicking, but because they are dead.  People are robbing others, often times killing them, to get money to pay for food.  People pick fights over small things, shoes, cutting in line, parking spaces, taking the last one of something…yet the argument goes beyond any normal sense of civility, considering the offense, often times getting the police involved for mediation, or worse, to pick up a dead body at the end of it.  People picket churches, calling them greedy, because they want to build a complex on a piece of property that would offer shelter for low-income families in need, but people would rather call a church greedy than helpful, and oppose them building on that property instead.

The world is out for themselves, every man for themselves.  When we were growing up and we had a fight with our siblings, one of our first retorts were “it’s not fair, ” and our parents were quick to tell us that “life isn’t fair.”  Well, brothers and sisters, here on Earth, especially now, life is not fair.  All the sense of right and wrong that we grew up with, even according to the Bible, is backwards.  We can stand up for what we believe is right, only to be told it’s wrong, because Man’s law does not follow God’s law, and society, anymore, has no respect for either law.  Therefore, right is wrong, and wrong is right, and backing down from what is fair, just, and right is the right thing to do in order to save yourself from Man’s law or death by Man’s stupidity.

And God is not happy with what He sees.  He’s been trying to tell us, but people aren’t listening.  You think all these insanely huge natural disasters lately have just been the natural progression of the Earth’s aging process and global “whatever they want to call it?”  No, it’s not.  It’s God telling us that we’re screwing up, disrespecting Him, and He’s none too pleased with us.  That we have taken what He’s given to us and smacked Him in the face with it.  He created the Earth for us and we’ve destroyed it, and continue to do so, not just with further advancements in technology, but with warfare.  He gave us the gift of salvation and people turn it away.  He gave us Him, someone to have Faith in for all eternity, that knows us better than anyone, yet still people do not Trust in Him, even to provide a meal.  He gave us Love, the greatest gift of all, and yet people only share it with those whom they deem worthy of it, instead of sharing it with everyone, automatically keeping us from peacefully co-habitating with everyone on Earth, and automatically separating us from God, who Loves us ALL.  And He gave us Hope, which, without fully indulging in the other two, we have no way of ever nourishing for ourselves, and certainly have no way of nourishing for those around us.  Thus, looking at the majority of the world, it looks pretty damn hopeless.

And here we are, faithful Christians, doing our best to follow the Word of Christ, keep Him fully in hearts while under attack from the less Christ-like, struggling in almost every way imaginable.  We thank God every day for the blessings He’s bestowed upon us, for the meal He provided for us when we weren’t sure where it was coming from, for the gas money that came out of nowhere, for that check that came in the mail that we weren’t expecting that paid for that thing we were wondering how we were going to get money for, etc.  We pray every day for good health, safety, peace around us and within us, and strength to continue our journey toward His Kingdom, with Him as our Shepherd.  Yet all the while, we are under attack from every angle, be it the guy in the parking lot who gets mean and out of control when we act out of fairness and hold true to what’s right, or under attack from the man who looks for any small detail he can find to try to get money through deceit, all at our expense.

The more we puff up and claim that those demons who attack us will fail because we our children of God, and we have God to protect us, more demons come out to attack.  Our son, the other day, told his mother that, because of this, we must be doing something right, for if we weren’t under attack at all, then we must be on the wrong side of things.  It makes sense, although having to be in the midst of it is chaos at times, although I know I’m in the right, and I’m happy to proclaim my Love for God and that I’m doing my best to do right by him…so it’s bittersweet.

So while the world is in the shape it’s in, I still have my greatest gifts, my salvation, Faith, Hope, and Love.  Now, in the midst of all the “sweet pandemonium,” I just need to find the peace within it, so I don’t lose my mind, as it certainly feels like I have been.  I was in tears the other night just because I was made to feel like I was wrong when I knew I was in the right, at least mostly.  Of course, further Bible readings in Matthew lead me to understand that sometimes you just gotta walk away and let the other person have it.  It’s not easy being a follower, it’s not easy being faithful, it’s not easy being hopeful, it’s not easy to love, and it’s certainly not easy to find peace in all of this, but Jesus does not want us to suffer.  He gave us peace through his Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit resides within us, as long as we concede to allow the Holy Spirit to guide us.  Jesus knows us and our lives and what it is we are supposed to be doing with it, the more we try to remodel his Temple, as each one of us is His Temple, the more resistance we’ll get.  If we just let it be, take the day, take the circumstances, take it in and pray about it, He, The Holy Spirit within us, will guide us with our next step…all we need to is let go and let God.  In that, we’ll find peace.

~Dear Lord, I humbly pray to you, as my Father in heaven, who knows all that I need, to bless me and family with all the strength, courage, and wisdom right now to travel the road ahead of us, overcoming all obstacles in our way of You.  Thank you for all the blessings you continue to bestow upon us each day.  Please use us, Your servants, to help the down-trodden of the world to see Your Light, Lord, so that we may help lead others to You and help this world get back on track to a more peaceful, Faithful, Loving, and Hopeful society.  In Your most precious name, I pray.  Amen~