Love In Limbo

John 20

The Empty Tomb

    1 Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. 2 So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!”

   3 So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. 4 Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. 5 He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. 6 Then Simon Peter came along behind him and went straight into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, 7 as well as the cloth that had been wrapped around Jesus’ head. The cloth was still lying in its place, separate from the linen. 8 Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. 9 (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.) 10 Then the disciples went back to where they were staying.

So John was the one that’s being referred to as the one that Jesus loved most in that passage, his bud, his best friend.  He got so worked up over the news that someone may have jacked with his best friend’s grave site, whom he just lost and was freshly mourning over, that he outran the other guy and beat him to the tomb.  However,  he maintained discipline when he got there, to respect Jewish tradition about not entering a place of death or something.  It was only after Peter got there and busted past him to see what the heck was going on with that shroud, that he finally went in to witness the mystery that he knew for a fact that Christ had died, but all of a sudden Christ is not there. 

The Truth, which, considering John and Jesus’ history and friendship together, John finally truly believed at that moment, as he stand there looking at empty cloths, was that Christ had risen.  Now, John was a faithful disciple to Jesus, a true bud, in fact, just before he died, Jesus passed those most important in his Earthly life over to John’s capable heart and and hands, his mother and other disciples…not to mention, every soul in the world, from then until the end of time.

Fast forward through time, a little bit along the way, as the disciples tell and retell stories of Jesus, and other witnesses testify, and there’s major movements, and breakups between what it actually means to believe in Jesus and what Jesus actually wants from us.  The “operator” game continues on and before long there’s even question about Jesus’ existence at all, scandals and deceit hide within holy walls, and the world is no stranger to holy wars…all because they claim to know the truth about whatever their “truth” is, and there is no other way…as I sit here proclaiming Jesus is the way.  But that’s my job, I’m a disciple of Jesus Christ, so to wear my armor means to proclaim my Love for him and announce the Truth that IS Him.

But in the meantime, between the days of John and Peter and me and you, all my brothers and sisters, what I’m saying is that things have gotten slack.  Some of our faiths have become one of convenience and not one we put too much effort into.  We may walk a good life, not be too sinful, but we can’t just walk through life playing it safe and call ourselves a good Christian either.  I mean, what does that do for the person standing next to you who doesn’t know or doesn’t quite believe in Jesus?

Time is short, spread the Word, spread the Love, for we didn’t know love until we were first loved by Jesus.  Jesus loved John, they were best buds…so much so that when Jesus was not in that tomb when they rolled back that rock, he knew the Truth instantly.

The Truth is that Christ will come again.  Don’t you want to know Jesus that well that He knows you, no questions asked?  Wouldn’t it be nice to know that He’d already know exactly how you feel about Him?  What you would do for Him?  How much you Love Him and talk him up to people?  It’d be a relationship you’d regret missing out on…just don’t wait until it’s too late to believe…or tell…

Still….

Shhhhhh….be still…..be quiet….

Sometimes when all the noise in the world penetrates the, already blaring, noise in your head and heart, it’s good to just quiet yourself and stop adding to the noise.  You just might be able to hear something that you’ve been trying to listen for.

I’ve been reading the book of Job.  It’s an amazing book!  I’ve completed it already and have started reading it again.  One would say, that through all Job’s turmoil, that he’s talking too much, complaining too much, preaching too much, perhaps even getting impatient and upset with those that are trying to help him.  It’s understandable, he’s suffering…and doesn’t know why.  As humans, it always feels right to question why things happen…we demand reasons, we demand that the world knows what’s right and wrong, and furthermore, we demand that the world knows when we are right and wrong.  But sometimes…it just doesn’t matter.  Sometimes, it’s just better to let things play out…go through it and grow through it.  Even when we are being hurt in the process.

While going through those struggles and hurt, we can’t deny that we still feel the emotion.  I’m feeling emotion.  I can’t deny that there are circumstances around me that I can’t control and they are bringing about sadness, anger, bitterness, probably a whole host of emotions that I can feel at any given moment.  In fact, I’m feeling one right now that I wish I didn’t, simply because something special is not being acknowledged.  But oh well.  There’s nothing I can do about it.  That’s why I’ve chosen, as of this last week, in the trial I’ve been given, to be still and know that He is God.  It is better for me to say nothing at all than to say anything and risk the backlash.  All will be handled in it’s due time and by someone who is both more powerful than me and more meaningful than me.

I had a dream a couple nights ago where I was running through the rain, along a street I wasn’t quite familiar with, but perhaps somewhat familiar with.  Maybe I was only familiar with it in my dream.  I was able to do things that I couldn’t do in reality…jumping higher than an apple tree, doing flips, running without getting out of breath….in this dream, I was letting out things inside of me that I can’t do in reality.  It felt good in the dream…I wish I could do it in real life.  But when I woke, the first thing I could think of was another one of my favorite HIM songs.

~Lord, please bless this day, the anniversary of my mom’s birth, and please guard her health that she may have another birthday to celebrate.  Thank you for all the blessings you’ve bestowed upon us, even in the form of trials and tribulations, where we’ve grown in spirit and are continuing to grow.  Please watch over our travels and health, and see that we find togetherness in our daily lives.  In your most precious name I pray.  Amen~

The Gospel of Chaos 1:1

One would think that with all this chaos in my mind and heart right now, I would have so much to say, yet, I’ve been staring at this screen for at least half an hour and haven’t been able to think of one thing to say.  I went to church with my mom this morning, took notes, and still can’t figure out what to say. 

Yes, I’m at my mom’s house…in Texas.  My wife and I went shopping last Wednesday afternoon and, after a phone call about some test results, left the store before we had anything in the cart and started packing…leaving about four hours later and driving sixteen hours through the night to get here the very next day.

So now I’m here and there should be so much to say because there is so much going on but, alas, I’m unable to purge anything…my tear ducts even seem to be in a form of drought, despite my desire for them to just bust wide open, hopefully relieving this heaviness on my chest and this tightness in my throat.

Surely there must be a word to define all that I’m feeling…sad, hurt, fear, anxiety, stress, anger, bitterness, defensive, exhausted, yet, at the same time, showing calm, patience, a sense of reason.  My wife is scared because this is not how I should be acting…and I would agree with her, I’m a little scared too, but I’m leaning more on the calm side, finding comfort in my Heavenly Father, that He is guiding me through this darkening part of my journey.

I feel like I’m in one of those boxes they used to have on game shows where blasts of air come in and send money or whatever all around the box as everyone watches, while the contestant has to struggle to catch and hold onto their prize…except in my box, emotions are flying around, and because they are intangible, I can’t grab them and hold onto them long enough to focus on each one.  At the moment they’re just kind of hitting me and bouncing off until they come back later and hit me again…I hope that changes, I’m sure it will later down the road.  But for now, this box is filled with emotions, memories, and unhealed wounds that hit and sting…if only for a moment, then fly off in another direction again.

Life is scary, strange, imperfect, full of struggles and that’s what makes us who we are so that when we get to the next part of the journey, we’re somehow prepared, even if we’re torn down to nothing just to be built up again just so we can learn how not to be so torn down the next time.  The Lord shows us the truth about ourselves through the life that we lead and the choices we make, sets us down on our path at birth and allows us to come to the forks in the road, and with each direction we choose, He shows us our truths, whether we like them or not.  Our desire in life, well, at least my desire, is to please Him, so that I may be counted among those beside Him in the Kingdom of Heaven, having felt His nudges, understood and carried out His word, and faithfully followed Him on my journey toward Heaven.  Sometimes, to get there, we have to go through a great deal of crap, endure emotional turmoil, pain, shame, live with memories and embedded behaviors that have no purpose, other than to remind you that you are stronger than that now…that the power within you is greater than the circumstance around you.  And the more you commit to that desire, the more truth will come out, but the more truth you find out, the more at peace you will become…because God does not want us to hurt more than we have to.

There are many ways to translate the phrase In Venere Veritas, a song title by the band HIM.  The lead singer, of course, is the only one who knows what he meant by it, but, it’s art and therefore open to interpretation.  In…is simply “in”, venere is “Venus” and veritas is “truth.”  In Venus is truth!  Huh?  The truth is on a planet?  No.  Uh oh…the truth is within the goddess Venus?  We’re not supposed to worship any other god…so now what?  How about we look at the symbolism!  First, the symbol of Venus is a cross with a circle on top of it. 

venus_women_symbol_decor-e1388197881290

The cross, representing our spiritual connection to the universe and the circle representing our inclusive connection to the universe.  The attributes of venus are love, allure, desire, beauty, passion, harmony, affection, sexuality, creativity, attraction, inspiration, femininity, aesthetics, imagination, appreciation, relationships, and unification of opposites. All that being said, could it not be said that these attributes are what should be aimed for, careful to not find ourselves with over-abundance, but that it’s quite possible that in the desire to be the kind of person that is those things, the truth about ourselves, and the Truth of the Lord, is going to help lead us there, keep us there, and grant us the keys to the gates of Heaven, where we can leave all the baggage we’ve been carrying along the way behind?  Sounds good to me anyway…at least right now…

~Dear Lord Jesus, you know my needs better than I do, so I ask that you continue to guide me with your love so that I may have the strength, the courage, the wisdom, and the ability to continue this journey and fight the battles ahead of me and not lose sight of hope in the face of the struggles ahead of me.  I ask that you watch over all of us in our travels, and in our daily health so that nothing shall overtake us that doesn’t need to right now, Lord.  Thank you for your many daily blessings and lessons.  In your highest, most holy name, I pray, Lord.  Amen~

The End Is Near!

In the movies, there would be someone cast to play the homeless looking crazy person holding a sign proclaiming “The End Is Near.”  Why do they have to be homeless and crazy looking to be feeling like the end is near and be the one’s with the guts enough to proclaim it?  Can not I, a well groomed, “sane enough” person with a home feel the same way and believe and proclaim the same thing and have it not get the same effect?  Who is the world going to believe when someone tries desperately to tell them that the end is near, when they’ve neglected to listen to all the warnings already placed before them, even when one of those people was Jesus himself?

Jesus has said that when the hearts of the world become cold, and when mothers and fathers are turning against sons and daughters, when neighbors are turning against neighbors, and when we have displeased Him enough, when we’ve turned blind eyes and hearts to the world around us and the well of compassion has run dry here on Earth, He will put an end to the war…claim all whom is His, whom have faithfully taken Him into their hearts and followed Him toward the Kingdom of Heaven, leaving the rest for the devil, for they have the less righteous path.

Yet still, with everything that has been going on in this world, we do not yield and think, and while some do think, they do not act.  Socially, this world has become like hell on Earth, forcing people to act in desperation, leading to sins of unbelievable magnitude, even over small things.  The baby won’t stop crying?  Mothers are putting duct tape over their mouths or stuffing them is boxes, kicking them until they are quiet, yet they have not quieted because of the kicking, but because they are dead.  People are robbing others, often times killing them, to get money to pay for food.  People pick fights over small things, shoes, cutting in line, parking spaces, taking the last one of something…yet the argument goes beyond any normal sense of civility, considering the offense, often times getting the police involved for mediation, or worse, to pick up a dead body at the end of it.  People picket churches, calling them greedy, because they want to build a complex on a piece of property that would offer shelter for low-income families in need, but people would rather call a church greedy than helpful, and oppose them building on that property instead.

The world is out for themselves, every man for themselves.  When we were growing up and we had a fight with our siblings, one of our first retorts were “it’s not fair, ” and our parents were quick to tell us that “life isn’t fair.”  Well, brothers and sisters, here on Earth, especially now, life is not fair.  All the sense of right and wrong that we grew up with, even according to the Bible, is backwards.  We can stand up for what we believe is right, only to be told it’s wrong, because Man’s law does not follow God’s law, and society, anymore, has no respect for either law.  Therefore, right is wrong, and wrong is right, and backing down from what is fair, just, and right is the right thing to do in order to save yourself from Man’s law or death by Man’s stupidity.

And God is not happy with what He sees.  He’s been trying to tell us, but people aren’t listening.  You think all these insanely huge natural disasters lately have just been the natural progression of the Earth’s aging process and global “whatever they want to call it?”  No, it’s not.  It’s God telling us that we’re screwing up, disrespecting Him, and He’s none too pleased with us.  That we have taken what He’s given to us and smacked Him in the face with it.  He created the Earth for us and we’ve destroyed it, and continue to do so, not just with further advancements in technology, but with warfare.  He gave us the gift of salvation and people turn it away.  He gave us Him, someone to have Faith in for all eternity, that knows us better than anyone, yet still people do not Trust in Him, even to provide a meal.  He gave us Love, the greatest gift of all, and yet people only share it with those whom they deem worthy of it, instead of sharing it with everyone, automatically keeping us from peacefully co-habitating with everyone on Earth, and automatically separating us from God, who Loves us ALL.  And He gave us Hope, which, without fully indulging in the other two, we have no way of ever nourishing for ourselves, and certainly have no way of nourishing for those around us.  Thus, looking at the majority of the world, it looks pretty damn hopeless.

And here we are, faithful Christians, doing our best to follow the Word of Christ, keep Him fully in hearts while under attack from the less Christ-like, struggling in almost every way imaginable.  We thank God every day for the blessings He’s bestowed upon us, for the meal He provided for us when we weren’t sure where it was coming from, for the gas money that came out of nowhere, for that check that came in the mail that we weren’t expecting that paid for that thing we were wondering how we were going to get money for, etc.  We pray every day for good health, safety, peace around us and within us, and strength to continue our journey toward His Kingdom, with Him as our Shepherd.  Yet all the while, we are under attack from every angle, be it the guy in the parking lot who gets mean and out of control when we act out of fairness and hold true to what’s right, or under attack from the man who looks for any small detail he can find to try to get money through deceit, all at our expense.

The more we puff up and claim that those demons who attack us will fail because we our children of God, and we have God to protect us, more demons come out to attack.  Our son, the other day, told his mother that, because of this, we must be doing something right, for if we weren’t under attack at all, then we must be on the wrong side of things.  It makes sense, although having to be in the midst of it is chaos at times, although I know I’m in the right, and I’m happy to proclaim my Love for God and that I’m doing my best to do right by him…so it’s bittersweet.

So while the world is in the shape it’s in, I still have my greatest gifts, my salvation, Faith, Hope, and Love.  Now, in the midst of all the “sweet pandemonium,” I just need to find the peace within it, so I don’t lose my mind, as it certainly feels like I have been.  I was in tears the other night just because I was made to feel like I was wrong when I knew I was in the right, at least mostly.  Of course, further Bible readings in Matthew lead me to understand that sometimes you just gotta walk away and let the other person have it.  It’s not easy being a follower, it’s not easy being faithful, it’s not easy being hopeful, it’s not easy to love, and it’s certainly not easy to find peace in all of this, but Jesus does not want us to suffer.  He gave us peace through his Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit resides within us, as long as we concede to allow the Holy Spirit to guide us.  Jesus knows us and our lives and what it is we are supposed to be doing with it, the more we try to remodel his Temple, as each one of us is His Temple, the more resistance we’ll get.  If we just let it be, take the day, take the circumstances, take it in and pray about it, He, The Holy Spirit within us, will guide us with our next step…all we need to is let go and let God.  In that, we’ll find peace.

~Dear Lord, I humbly pray to you, as my Father in heaven, who knows all that I need, to bless me and family with all the strength, courage, and wisdom right now to travel the road ahead of us, overcoming all obstacles in our way of You.  Thank you for all the blessings you continue to bestow upon us each day.  Please use us, Your servants, to help the down-trodden of the world to see Your Light, Lord, so that we may help lead others to You and help this world get back on track to a more peaceful, Faithful, Loving, and Hopeful society.  In Your most precious name, I pray.  Amen~

Jesus Rocked The Jukebox…and somethin’ rocked the road I was walkin’

Holy Roller…Coaster, Batman!!

So this past week has been a wicked coaster ride.  It has been full of emotions that I have not felt either in a long time, have not wanted to feel in a long time, or have never felt before.  All of these things are, of course, both good and bad.

Let me back up a bit by saying that, before I posted Tuesday’s blog, I was going to post a blog about “staying the same” or “don’t change,” or whatever nifty title I could come up with that was going to reflect the steps in my life that I had taken, and the song that’s playing above (if you indeed pressed play) to the soundtrack of every step I’m taking in this journey.  Instead, a found a boulder in my path that I needed to work my way around, and a song stuck in my head that I whistled away while I worked until I could get my thoughts together for this Sunday’s testimony. So…what I wanted to tell you about was what I felt about people always wanting to feel like they wanted to be different than who or what they were. 

I can attest to this burden because I’m so incredibly guilty of it.  I’ve never been happy with myself, outside or inside…but I’m learning to be, trying desperately to become happy with who I am.  So God made me a female, I’ve never been happy about it…I’m not sure if it was nature or nurture that made it this way, but I will say this, I’ve never like dresses, never liked being a girl, and I’ve always thought I should have been a man, based both on physical attributes and most personality traits.  Because of those things, I was picked on all my life, getting called names because I was always a tomboy and always stronger than, even just regular, tomboyish girls.  My entire school career was hell based on masculinity alone, because I don’t think I’m a bad looking person and I look exactly the same now as I did then, except much thinner now.  Now, aside from looking masculine, I’ve always felt more masculine, which has always left me wanting to change my life completely to become a man.  In fact, I had started doing this in a small way, by simply changing my name to my self-picked (sorta) new masculine name…online that is, for all my peers to see.  But that’s a huge step.  That kind of stuff gets back to people who get’s back to people…ya know what I’m sayin’??

Well, on my plane ride home from re-salvation, “Stay The Same” came on my playlist, I listened, I decided it was true.  I will never have the money to ever get my chesticles taken off, and besides, I’m going to need them one day…I might want to try to have a child again one day, after all.  I have a working uterus, I AM a female…there is NO way around it, God did not screw this one up.  I am the personality that He gave me and for whatever reason I am who I am, I’ll be who I am.  I may not like it, I may have to learn to get used to it.  It may be one of those sacrifices, I don’t know yet…we’ll have to wait and see, but it is what it is, therefore, I changed my name back…and only one person noticed (aside from the dozens who noticed when I changed it the first time…what the heck?).  Thank you God for making me…at all.  I pray to learn to deal with the outside because, for the most part, on the inside, I think I’m a pretty cool person, so thank you off-setting that for me…amen.

So then things started getting rough around here.  It was like the music from my party was starting to bother the devil so he started getting riled up.  My heart was already in a sorrowful place, feeling a sense of sadness for the loss of Ryan Dunn, but then he started coming after me with my own weapons, that which I am supposed to use as strength to fight him off.  I posted “Love Says No”  not just for myself but mostly for others, to offer a beam of hope to those I love and anyone else out there who might have read it.  A tiny glimpse of hope at a moment when the shit is hitting the fan and you’re feeling like you’re being dragged down, even though at the moment, I wasn’t.  It wasn’t long after, however, that song came back around and was there for me, to carry me through the week.

When I vowed to not listen to the band HIM whilst trying to “find myself”, I strayed from the “finding myself” playlist and “And Love Said No” had found me, seems funny to me, that in one way or another, I still get carried safely through my rough times by Him or HIM. 

But after love said no, I realized just how much of a change in my life there had been.  While I still manage to screw up, big time even, my feelings with regards to my actions and reactions, even minor thoughts, all have much deeper meaning to them now.  I can’t even accidentally say “g-d dam—-t” without almost crying because of feeling guilty, and when I’ve done something even worse than that, I feel like I can’t even look up to the heavens, as if I can’t bear, as a child, to look up in shame to my Father.  You see, before, I felt as though, while I knew it was wrong to take the Lord’s name in vain, somehow I wouldn’t take too much heat for it because by the time anyone really taught me it was bad, it was already a habit of mine.  Like, it’s just the way I am and God made me this way so He’s okay with it….wrong, I’m not okay with settling for that.  I feel bad when I do things that I feel would offend Him, and that’s never happened to me before.  I’ve wanted a relationship with God in the past, I’ve looked for Him in the past…I used to sing this song at the top of my lungs in the basement when I got the soundtrack after the movie “Leap Of Faith” came out because I connect just that much with these words. 

And finally, after all these years of searching, reading, listening, hoping, flailing, and singing…there’s a change in my life.  Thank you, God.

I was running some errands with my wife when that song came on, she and I had already been talking about everything that was going on throughout the week and talking about faith.  I had started crying in the middle of the song but sang along softly towards the end.  The song ended before we reached our destination and the very next one that came on was “Set Me in Motion!” 

Yes!  The very first one I heard on my playlist as I started this journey.  So in case you didn’t see the first blog, or just might be a little too lazy to go look for it, here it is again.  Plus, since it’s my video, and I love sharing my work…of course I’ll put it up again.

****THIS IS NOT THE ORIGINAL VIDEO FOR THIS BLOG, ALTHOUGH IT IS THE SONG INTENDED.  THIS IS **NOT MY VIDEO******

We brought it back to the beginning, and I felt like God was telling me something.  Not only was he trying to tell me something about getting things back on track, but also that in order to progress, sometimes you have to take a few steps backwards. 

At this time in my life, in my journey rather, I almost feel like a small child.  Like I’ve just been given the greatest gift of all time and I want to play with it as much as possible…but I don’t have all the time in the world to play with it.  But I also don’t know everything about it because there are TONS of directions and I’m a slow reader and it’s hard for me to understand things sometimes.  And sometimes when others want to talk about it I get scared and want to hide it, because I’m protective of what little I do know of it right now. 

I sometimes wonder if, when I stepped out into the aisle of that church that day, God took part of me away and put it in storage and brought back a child to start over with, to teach things over to, to guide properly….there are things I once knew that I’ve forgotten that I can’t explain, except to explain, as my wife did, that in order to truly have a relationship with Him, I must truly be able to pray to him, not recite.  Now, I have been having problems with my memory lately, but…hmmm, I don’t know, this one is just a weeeeeeeee bit suspicious….

So I guess in order for me to continue this journey, I must return to the starting point, go back three spaces, do whatever it is I must do….but it will be interesting a second time around…I’ll have to keep my contacts clear…as if I were seeing through the eyes of innocence.  After all, church is soon, I have not yet received my message for the week or the lesson, I don’t know what’s in store…

Lord, thank you for the blessings of the week, those that we can see and those we can not.  Please be with all of us and all those who need your guidance in times of need, and please watch over us and our family and friends in our health and travels as we journey enthusiastically into a new week of spirituality, partake in opportunities to do your good works, and keep our own households safe, loved, and provided for.  In your most holy and precious name, I pray to you, Lord…Amen.


Love Says “No”

In light of the fact that I know I’m going through struggles right now, and people I love are going through struggles right now, and people that I don’t really know, but that I know of, are going through struggles right now…I feel this song is appropriate…plus it’s come up all week on my playlist.  I’ve always liked this song and it took on a whole new meaning for me a year and a half ago after our kids started, literally, dragging me out of the darkness.  And for those of you who don’t know the band HIM, please don’t judge their style, or anything about them at first sight or first lyric, or anything.  They are amazing…and while all of their song do not sound like this, some are darker…they are not satanic, so don’t get skeered. 

Recently, one of the Jackass crew, Ryan Dunn, was involved in a fatal car accident that claimed his life and the life of another.  I don’t know all the details behind it, although I’ve heard a few things about alcohol.  Frankly, I don’t give a rats behind about the details.  I care that he’s dead.  That in an instant, his life was taken, terribly taken…and I pray that he and his friend didn’t suffer.  I saw a picture of the car they were driving, nothing about it looked like a car.  My heart aches more for his family and friends, I guess, especially his friends, like Bam Margera, Brandon Novak, WeeMan, Steve-O, Johnny Knoxville…all those guys that came together and made something together that was just so crazy to watch but, I, along with a lot of people, loved to just watch.  I didn’t know him, I didn’t know anything about him, or any of these guys except what I saw on t.v….but I knew that they loved each other…so my heart aches for them.

We all have times, days, moments, phases, that drag us down into pits of despair that make us feel like we’ll never see the light of day, the light of happiness, the light of God again.  It may be brought on by anything, maybe from the earliest times because that’s just how things went as we grew up…shit was just hard to deal with and we kept sinking into an emotional sea of hell.  Maybe something happened that rocked our world and sent us into an emotional tailspin.  Maybe we had an argument with someone and it put us in a place we didn’t want to be and made us question everything about our hearts, the foundation of ourselves, and our faith…who knows.  At any rate…we all go through tragedy, we all go through hell, we all spend time in darkness…for some of us the darkness is darker than for others, but that doesn’t make that shade any less harder to deal with.

Darkness surrounds us and it’s always there waiting for us, to engulf the very blessed soul that we are and chew us up.  I know this, I’ve been there.  I have a youtube channel with videos I made that outlines my very existence in the depths of darkness for a very long time.  I plead to all those who are crawling through darkness, looking for any speck of light to keep crawling, keep looking, and know that the light is there, and you will find it, and there is a reason for you to crawl out of that pit and that, no matter how hopeless and terrible things may seem right now, it will get better in time….even though it may take a long ass time. 

I’ve been through hell in my life and I’ve crawled through many levels of darkness to a point that I honestly believed that’s where I was supposed to live out my years.  My only son died two months before I was to begin a life with him.  My best friend died on my bathroom floor, and despite my efforts, along with my wife’s, to perform CPR, and even the paramedics, there was nothing bringing him back.  I was the only one around when my grandma died, and I held her hand and looked into her eyes as I watched her, not so peacefully, pass through to the other side as the only thing I could think to do was pray the Lord’s prayer.  There has been many things in my life that have sucked royally…and I have begged for my own death just to relieve me of my own pain…but I would not do it on my own.  God, and the Love of those around me…always said no.

“Lord, please place your arms around us all, as we seek comfort, consolation, guidance and strength through our tears and trials.  In your most Holy and Precious name I pray to you, Lord.  Amen.”